BillstronBlog

Molly’s birthday is drawing to a close.  She’s in bed sound asleep, and Krista and I are winding down too. This past year has been the most intense time of my life.  Having a child is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and nothing fully prepared me for it.  Upon reflecting back on my first year as a father, I feel compelled to write a little for posterity.

I’ll never forget the first few hours of Molly’s life because of the extreme emotions I experienced.  She was born 8 weeks early, skinny, and with underdeveloped lungs.  Right after birth she was put into a turkey bag to keep her warm, and at first I thought she looked really silly (she looked like a turkey after all).  I was on a new father high in blissful denial, and it took a little while before the magnitude of her condition finally sank in.  The fact was the care provided by the doctors and nurses at the NICU at Alta Bates in Berkeley was the only thing keeping her from dieing.  This dawned on me slowly over that afternoon, and by the evening my spirits were lower than ever before.  Only the love and support of our family and friends pulled me through those five weeks visiting our daughter in the NICU.  I thank God for the strength they gave us and hope that some day I can provide light during their dark times.

Life started out hard for my little girl.  As my father says, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and she has thrived since coming home from the hospital.  Her size is on par with (or larger than) a full term baby born at the same time.  She crawls and stands on her own, and we expect her to take her first steps soon.  Krista is mostly responsible for Molly’s wondrous progress.  Her love, full time care, and nutritious milk have nurtured a scrawny little preemie into a healthy beautiful toddler.  I’m so proud of my wife for being such a great mother.  Krista is the love of my life, and Molly and I are very lucky to have her.

This past year has been the most difficult and wonderful year of my life.  I can’t wait to see what happens this year!

We got Daisy from the Lexington (KY) Humane Society in February 1999, just a little over a month after my wife (then girlfriend) and I moved in together.  The stated reason for her being there (cannot control) and our walk around the store should have tipped us off as to what we were in store for, but we were absolute suckers for the way she looked at us with those big brown eyes and floppy ears.  She was far from the perfect dog — bad on a leash, jumped up on people when she saw them, sneaked food when no one was looking (and sometimes when people were), and all around untrainable, but that little hound dog had a tremendous amount of love to give.

She wasn’t indiscriminate with her love like a lot of dogs.  She would act demure when meeting someone new on the street, but if she already knew you… get out the ear plugs!  She’d let everyone around know that she loved you through her howls and bays.  The best part about it was that it didn’t matter how long it had been, she would still remember you and love you.  My friend Mark came by just last Monday.  She hadn’t seen him in years, but she hadn’t forgotten him.

She showed affection in everything she did and consequently loved to cuddle.  She could hang out for hours if you pet her head or rubbed her belly.  She also loved to just snuggle up next to you and take a nap. I loved our evenings as a pack, sitting on the couch together watching movies.

She took good care or her pack too.  Last summer when we were going through the turmoil with pre-term labor and Molly’s premature birth, Daisy was the perfect companion.  She knew that we were going through a painful experience, and she unselfishly shined her love on us.  She didn’t act out when we left her home alone multiple nights.  She didn’t whine when we spent long hours at the hospital.  Once we would get home, she would cuddle up beside us and let us know how much she loved us.

I now know that during our trying times, she too was going through her own internal turmoil.  Hindsight shows that she was slowly dying of kidney failure.  The subtle signs that she couldn’t hide were there — increased thirstiness, lessened appetite, and weight loss.  She must have felt bad, but did she let on, no.  She gave us her love until she knew that Molly was strong enough, and she continued until she knew that we could handle her departure.

Last Monday, Daisy was fine.  She was getting old and somewhat frail, but otherwise fine.  The previous week, she had a vomiting and diarrhea spell and hadn’t been very into eating, but that had subsided and wasn’t too abnormal anyway.  Then, Tuesday night she had a weird spell where she couldn’t get comfortable and kept pacing.  For a second we thought she might be dying, but dismissed the idea fairly quickly.  With each passing day, she got progressively worse, though.  I took her on a long walk Wednesday because I thought she might just need some exercise, but I was sorely mistaken.  Thursday, she could hardly stand up.  When she still wasn’t feeling well Friday, we secured a vet appointment for Monday.  By Friday evening we thought we needed to see the vet sooner, and took her Saturday morning.  The vet basically told us that, given her age, this was most likely the end, but we took some blood and urine for testing, anyway.  We didn’t have plans to treat any chronic illnesses, but I thought if we knew the problem we could make her more comfortable.

Sensing that the end was very near, we spent all day Saturday and Sunday as a contiguous pack, and the little hound dog never really got off the couch.  She was happy and comfortable enough, but Daisy’s will to live was leaving her.  She even refused the home cooked chicken and grain made with love by her parents.  Sunday evening, her vomit was speckeled with blood.  By Monday morning, she was vomiting only blood.  Daisy felt very uncomfortable all night and displayed it by whining and whimpering.  We took shifts by her side, trying to reassure her that she need not fear death.  She didn’t dare close her eyes all night, though.

Knowing what had to be done, we got an appointment for the vet for first thing in the morning.  Daisy was extremely weak, so we used her bed, which was a gift from my sister, as a stretcher in order to get her to and from the car. Once inside the examination room, we placed the bed with Daisy still awake inside on to the exam table.  The bed insured that she was very comfortable — a little piece of home in the cold doctors office.  We held her as the medicine entered her artery, and it only took a couple of seconds to quiet her frantic heart.  Her pain is over.

But ours isn’t.  She was an integral member of my family for ten years.  She was my first dog, and she was Molly’s first dog too.  She was our companion on a number of long and difficult journeys.  I only pray that I was as good a companion to her as she was to me.  These last two days must have been the most difficult of her life.  I just tried to keep reassuring her by saying, “I love you, Daisy.”

Daisy, my dog, and I drove back and forth across the country from Oakland to Louisville for the holidays.  I’ve done the trip 3 times before, but every time I had my lovely wife with me.  The trip is about 2600 miles one way, and I did it in three days each way.  Most people cringe when I tell them about this kind of lonely mileage, but I loved the independence and tranquility of the journey.

The round trip drive time was about 70hours, and this gave me ample time to listen to music and just be.  On the trip out, I was so excited to be on holiday that that is all I really did.  I just sat there completely mindlessly — no thoughts in my head — almost meditative.  At the time I didn’t think much about this, but in retrospect, it was very uncharacteristic of me as I NEVER do that.  I’m always working something out, one way or another.  It was a quite refreshing way to spend my time.  My way home was a completely different story as I forced myself to think about my research.  Again, I seldom take the time to ONLY think without the distraction of multitasking.  Well… I guess I was still multitasking, but after you get out of Memphis the roads open up and driving can become somewhat unconscious.  This experience was also quite refreshing because I came home with loads of ideas to try.

The journey presented me with an unadulterated view of American landscapes.  The small wooded mountains of Kentucky and Tennessee give way to the parries of the heartland which subtly transition to the desert landscapes of the southwest and finally to the mountains, valleys, and shores of California.  My most memorable moments came on the trip home through Northern Arizona.  On the second evening, the sun was setting directly in front of me under an iridescent sapphire blue sky.  The only clouds were silvery ribbons left from high flying airliners lit-up orange from the low sun.  The Johny Cash/U2 song The Wanderer was playing on the stereo — a touchingly beautiful song if you’ve never heard it.  As I descended into into a valley I glimpsed a freight train coming around a bend in the tracks, and instantly a wonderful peaceful feeling overcame me.  I transcended myself, a knot formed in my throat, and I experienced pure bliss. Alone, this experience made the solo trek worthwhile.  The world is beautiful, you just have to be willing to notice.

The journey gave me a modern impression of what it must have been like to, “go west” before civilization inhabited every corner of our continent.  I felt like a modern cowboy, only my dog and my trusty silver steed to keep me company.  The trip would have been exceedingly treacherous with the extreme weather and insane terrain unmolested by modern asphalt, but how rewarding it must have been.  The modern version sure was for me.

A couple of pedantic notes:  I was plesently surprised by the cell coverage I got with the smallest of the major networks — T-Mobile.  I was rarely without signal for more than a few 80mph seconds.  Also, people across the country drive very differenly depending on their origin.  In California, people squat in the left lane no matter whether they are passing or not, and the drivers in the heartland obey the speed limit even if it is 60mph on the freeway.  I could go on and on about this, but I won’t.

I’ve been somewhat anxious about what “we” are going to do about energy and oil with the price of the slippery stuff back down to a reasonable level. People with memories spanning more than 30 years know that this has happened before. In the seventies, the price of oil, and consequently gasoline, went through the roof prompting a push toward fuel efficiency. As the high price waned, so did America’s impetus toward saving fuel. The high-low price cycle has again occurred, with the price of oil peaking earlier this year above $140 per barrel and now being below $60 per barrel. Our nation is at a crossroads. Do we repeat the psychological/economic cycle and forget about our summer time desire to quit the addiction, or do we put the needle back in the arm — maybe a bigger syringe this time, Hummer H2000 anyone?

I’m starting to like President-Elect Obama more and more these days because he wants to take us to rehab. In Sunday night’s 60 minutes interview, he explained that we need to continue the political progress toward alternative energy and getting off oil.  I’m really glad to hear that at least one politician is still focused on this looming problem.

The answers cannot just come from the political realm though. This will also have to be born out on Main Street (in the popular vernacular). We all must reject our oil consuming ways — ride your bike, take the bus, carpool, and if you have the resources, get a fuel efficient car. Now, I’m not suggesting that everyone go out and get a Prius (there are a lot of excellent reasons not to buy a new car when you consider your carbon costs), but there are a lot of nice used cars that get really good gas mileage relative to your Hummer H2.

With this in mind, I’ve made some transportation decisions in my life. For the past couple of years, I’ve been riding my motorcycle to campus every day. My bike is old and only gets about 35 per gallon, but the commute time via motorcycle is very favorable to any other way. Instead of riding my bike, I’m now riding the bus to campus. It takes a little longer, but I think the time’s worth it for the cause.

I’d like to hear what you’re doing to save fuel. Tell us in the comments.

This past Sunday (10/5/2008), I ran the Bridge To Bridge 12k race in San Francisco.  I clocked my finishing time at 1:05:18, but my official time is 1:06:10.  Overall, I finished 617 out of 2516.  In my age group (my first year in Male 30-39), I finished 185/433.  My official average pace was 8:53/mi.  You can check out all of the race results here.

I’m really happy about my race.  As you probably know, I’ve been training for speed the last few weeks.  While I’m not by any strech of the imagination, fast, I am faster than before.  I didn’t clock quite as fast a pace as I’d liked, but I believe it’s because my training got thrown all out of wack last week.  I was sick and basically took the week off.  Before the race on Sunday, my previous run was a 10 miler on the previous Sunday.  This is certainly not optimal training.  I’m going to continue my speed training, and hopefully see my pace increase further.  I’d really like to get down to 8min/mi over a 12k distance, but that might be a little too ambitious.

I really love the Bridge to Bridge race.  The organizers bill it as ‘America’s Most Beautiful Run’, and they are probably right.  The race starts at the foot of the bay bridge just in front of the Ferry Building in downtown San Francisco.  It then basically follows the waterfront past the piers to the beach before it doubles back on itself at the foot of the Golden Gate bridge.  The finish line is in Presidio.  This year, in addition to the wonderful scenery,  the weather was perfect too — 65 and sunny.  This is even a good race for beginners because they run a 7k too.

The only downer about this year’s race was that I didn’t have my normal race partner — Scooter.  I’ve run it with him the two previous times, and I definitely missed him this year.  My friend Pete came out, but we split about a mile into the race.  Scooter and I pace each other perfectly.  Plus, he’s almost as big a dork as me, so we have plenty to talk about.  Maybe I’ll try to talk him into coming in next year for the race.

Next year I’m going to do it a little differently, though.  I’m going to run it with Molly.  That should be great fun for Molly and Poppa.

This is absolutely amazing.  I really can’t believe that I never thought of it.  I can’t believe that I’ve never seen this done before.  It’s so simple… it’s so obvious… but at the same time, it’s not.  It completely blows my mind.

I haven’t actually tried this out yet.  So no warranty is offered.  Let me know if it works in the comments.

See more recipes and videos at Eat Drink or Die via Lifehacker.

Today was another Molly and Poppa day while Krista worked her normal Tuesday.  This morning I decided that I would just take off the entire day, devoting it all to Molly, so that Krista could get some extra work done.  It was a great idea because I haven’t gotten to hang out all day with my little girl in quite some time.  I took Molly at about 9am and, except for feedings, didn’t give her up until after 5:30 when Krista stopped working.

We started out the morning with blanket time while I ate breakfast.  That involves Molly laying on a blanket on the floor next to her Poppa, who is also sitting on the floor.  She really likes to lay there looking around at the world.  I usually get out Mr. Pea Man (thanks Combses) and the wooden rattle (thanks Great Grandma) to play with.  Mr. Pea Man likes to dance for Molly, but Molly doesn’t really pay much attention at this young age.  Hopefully his dancing skills will be better appreciated in a few weeks.  Regardless we have a lot of fun.

Similarly to two weeks ago, the highlight of our day was our walk to the lake.  After lunch I put Molly into the Moby, saddled Daisy up, and headed out the door for a walk.  We started with our normal walk around the block, but we ended by Lake Merritt.  Today is a beautiful day, and we sat there for over an hour.  Molly slept, Daisy sniffed, and I just sat there.

I’ve been so busy the last few weeks that I haven’t really had much time to think.  I feel like I’m always rushing around — from home to campus to the lake for a quick run etc etc.  Having Molly on my chest relaxes me tremendously.  Add to that the beautiful weather and nice lake scenery, and I got some really good thinking in.  I didn’t figure out the cure for cancer or anything… maybe next Tuesday.

Another quick note:  A lot of people have been asking about more recent pictures of my little girl.  I just posted a couple dozen pictures of recent adventures.  They are in different sets now, so the best way to view them all would be to just look at the photostream directly from my main Flickr site (here’s the link).

We have know for a while that Krista would soon start going to a meeting every Tuesday.  Our plan has always been for me to take care of Molly while she is gone.  Today was her first meeting, and honestly I was a little nervous about taking care of Molly all by myself.  Before today, I haven’t been alone with her for more than a few minutes.  The longest that I had been the sole care giver is the time it takes to walk around the block.

My nervousness focused on feeding.  Obviously, Krista does most of the feeding because the only thing that my boobs do is grow hair.  We never give Molly a bottle because Krista’s boobs (and the rest of her) are always there.  I think we have only bottle fed her a couple of times, and that was to administer liquid vitamins.  Now, anyone that has seen it done before knows that bottle feeding isn’t rocket science (or controls engineering).  So, I wasn’t concerned about making the bottle or the process of eating.  I was concerned about the Poppa/Molly communications that needed to take place — knowing when to feed her and when she was done eating.

Our alone time started out a little awkwardly.  Just about as soon as Krista left, Molly stated crying.  I thought that she might be hungry, but we hadn’t taken the dog for a walk yet, and I wanted to get that done first.  So I put the Moby on, and off we went.  Molly quickly settled down once we were moving and was asleep before we were around the block. Maybe she didn’t need to eat?

Seeing how happy my baby was, I decided to walk down to the lake for a bit.  The three of us sat on a bench under a beautiful blue sky and watch the runners and walker pass.  We relaxed there for about 30 minutes or so before Molly began to stir.  From my last post you probably gathered that I’ve been pretty stressed recently, and this was the most relaxing time I’ve had in a couple of weeks.

Once she was awake, I thought that she might be hungry soon.  So we headed for home, and by the time we made it home, sure enough, she was ready to eat.  I quickly changed her diaper, and fixed the bottle.  She ate like a champ.

The end of the feeding was somewhat awkward.  She had eaten the entire quantity that Krista had pumped before leaving, and that forced me to have to warm up another bottle.  She pretty much refused this milk, which made me think she was done.  About 20 minutes later, she was hungry again.  No problem… I just fed her what she had previously refused, and she sucked it down in no time.  I thought she might still be hungry, but since Krista was going to be home in just a few minutes I held off on warming another bottle. Sure enough, Krista was home shortly and everything was fine.

All in all, my time as Mr. Mom went better than expected.  In fact, both Molly and Poppa had a great time!  I can’t wait till next Tuesday, and I hope Molly feels the same way.

I started back to work a few weeks ago.  Well… work is a bad term for it because it’s not work in the traditional sense.  I do research, and get paid for it.  This isn’t mercenary style research, that is I’m not just doing it for money, but the most of the research will goes into my PhD dissertation.  Therefore, I have a rather large, non-monetary, incentive to work hard.

Three weeks ago, I started back at 10 hours a week.  I can work from home most of the time, so this was really not problem.  Truth is, I really enjoyed this schedule.

Last week was a very trying though.  I moved back to my regular research load (20 hours is all the university will pay graduate students for… something to do with classes taking the other 20 hours… BS, I still need to work about 40 hours to graduate in a reasonable time frame.), and frankly, being a working father is more difficult than I anticipated.  I can do most of it, no problem.  It’s ALL of it that I can’t seem to get done.  This past week, it was exercise that got pushed out, but I really need to exercise.  Running is my therapy, and without it, I’m koo koo.

I’ll get a schedule figured out some how.  This isn’t a novel problem.  Billions of prople around the world figure it out.  I’d love to hear any work/family/self balance tips other parents would like to share.

A few days ago, the end of this Lifehacker article inspired me into a quick project.  The idea is to have a dynamic computer desktop background that pulls day/night/weather images of the earth from Opentopia.  They update the image hourly, so the background should change hourly.

This seemed like a pretty cool idea to me, and it’s pretty easy in Linux. Check out the detailed instructions here, and below is a quick version:
1. Download the script here.
2. Update the script with your preferred WORKING directory.
3. Create the cron job like such: 05 * * * * [path to script]/background_rotate.sh

Piece of cake! Geeking out couldn’t been more quick and easy.

The image is a screen shot of my computer with the background in place. It’s really need to see the shadow move across the earth. You can even see tropical storm Fay moving toward Florida.

Let me know about any problems or concerns in the comments.