BillstronBlog

Molly’s birthday is drawing to a close.  She’s in bed sound asleep, and Krista and I are winding down too. This past year has been the most intense time of my life.  Having a child is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and nothing fully prepared me for it.  Upon reflecting back on my first year as a father, I feel compelled to write a little for posterity.

I’ll never forget the first few hours of Molly’s life because of the extreme emotions I experienced.  She was born 8 weeks early, skinny, and with underdeveloped lungs.  Right after birth she was put into a turkey bag to keep her warm, and at first I thought she looked really silly (she looked like a turkey after all).  I was on a new father high in blissful denial, and it took a little while before the magnitude of her condition finally sank in.  The fact was the care provided by the doctors and nurses at the NICU at Alta Bates in Berkeley was the only thing keeping her from dieing.  This dawned on me slowly over that afternoon, and by the evening my spirits were lower than ever before.  Only the love and support of our family and friends pulled me through those five weeks visiting our daughter in the NICU.  I thank God for the strength they gave us and hope that some day I can provide light during their dark times.

Life started out hard for my little girl.  As my father says, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and she has thrived since coming home from the hospital.  Her size is on par with (or larger than) a full term baby born at the same time.  She crawls and stands on her own, and we expect her to take her first steps soon.  Krista is mostly responsible for Molly’s wondrous progress.  Her love, full time care, and nutritious milk have nurtured a scrawny little preemie into a healthy beautiful toddler.  I’m so proud of my wife for being such a great mother.  Krista is the love of my life, and Molly and I are very lucky to have her.

This past year has been the most difficult and wonderful year of my life.  I can’t wait to see what happens this year!

We got Daisy from the Lexington (KY) Humane Society in February 1999, just a little over a month after my wife (then girlfriend) and I moved in together.  The stated reason for her being there (cannot control) and our walk around the store should have tipped us off as to what we were in store for, but we were absolute suckers for the way she looked at us with those big brown eyes and floppy ears.  She was far from the perfect dog — bad on a leash, jumped up on people when she saw them, sneaked food when no one was looking (and sometimes when people were), and all around untrainable, but that little hound dog had a tremendous amount of love to give.

She wasn’t indiscriminate with her love like a lot of dogs.  She would act demure when meeting someone new on the street, but if she already knew you… get out the ear plugs!  She’d let everyone around know that she loved you through her howls and bays.  The best part about it was that it didn’t matter how long it had been, she would still remember you and love you.  My friend Mark came by just last Monday.  She hadn’t seen him in years, but she hadn’t forgotten him.

She showed affection in everything she did and consequently loved to cuddle.  She could hang out for hours if you pet her head or rubbed her belly.  She also loved to just snuggle up next to you and take a nap. I loved our evenings as a pack, sitting on the couch together watching movies.

She took good care or her pack too.  Last summer when we were going through the turmoil with pre-term labor and Molly’s premature birth, Daisy was the perfect companion.  She knew that we were going through a painful experience, and she unselfishly shined her love on us.  She didn’t act out when we left her home alone multiple nights.  She didn’t whine when we spent long hours at the hospital.  Once we would get home, she would cuddle up beside us and let us know how much she loved us.

I now know that during our trying times, she too was going through her own internal turmoil.  Hindsight shows that she was slowly dying of kidney failure.  The subtle signs that she couldn’t hide were there — increased thirstiness, lessened appetite, and weight loss.  She must have felt bad, but did she let on, no.  She gave us her love until she knew that Molly was strong enough, and she continued until she knew that we could handle her departure.

Last Monday, Daisy was fine.  She was getting old and somewhat frail, but otherwise fine.  The previous week, she had a vomiting and diarrhea spell and hadn’t been very into eating, but that had subsided and wasn’t too abnormal anyway.  Then, Tuesday night she had a weird spell where she couldn’t get comfortable and kept pacing.  For a second we thought she might be dying, but dismissed the idea fairly quickly.  With each passing day, she got progressively worse, though.  I took her on a long walk Wednesday because I thought she might just need some exercise, but I was sorely mistaken.  Thursday, she could hardly stand up.  When she still wasn’t feeling well Friday, we secured a vet appointment for Monday.  By Friday evening we thought we needed to see the vet sooner, and took her Saturday morning.  The vet basically told us that, given her age, this was most likely the end, but we took some blood and urine for testing, anyway.  We didn’t have plans to treat any chronic illnesses, but I thought if we knew the problem we could make her more comfortable.

Sensing that the end was very near, we spent all day Saturday and Sunday as a contiguous pack, and the little hound dog never really got off the couch.  She was happy and comfortable enough, but Daisy’s will to live was leaving her.  She even refused the home cooked chicken and grain made with love by her parents.  Sunday evening, her vomit was speckeled with blood.  By Monday morning, she was vomiting only blood.  Daisy felt very uncomfortable all night and displayed it by whining and whimpering.  We took shifts by her side, trying to reassure her that she need not fear death.  She didn’t dare close her eyes all night, though.

Knowing what had to be done, we got an appointment for the vet for first thing in the morning.  Daisy was extremely weak, so we used her bed, which was a gift from my sister, as a stretcher in order to get her to and from the car. Once inside the examination room, we placed the bed with Daisy still awake inside on to the exam table.  The bed insured that she was very comfortable — a little piece of home in the cold doctors office.  We held her as the medicine entered her artery, and it only took a couple of seconds to quiet her frantic heart.  Her pain is over.

But ours isn’t.  She was an integral member of my family for ten years.  She was my first dog, and she was Molly’s first dog too.  She was our companion on a number of long and difficult journeys.  I only pray that I was as good a companion to her as she was to me.  These last two days must have been the most difficult of her life.  I just tried to keep reassuring her by saying, “I love you, Daisy.”

Today was another Molly and Poppa day while Krista worked her normal Tuesday.  This morning I decided that I would just take off the entire day, devoting it all to Molly, so that Krista could get some extra work done.  It was a great idea because I haven’t gotten to hang out all day with my little girl in quite some time.  I took Molly at about 9am and, except for feedings, didn’t give her up until after 5:30 when Krista stopped working.

We started out the morning with blanket time while I ate breakfast.  That involves Molly laying on a blanket on the floor next to her Poppa, who is also sitting on the floor.  She really likes to lay there looking around at the world.  I usually get out Mr. Pea Man (thanks Combses) and the wooden rattle (thanks Great Grandma) to play with.  Mr. Pea Man likes to dance for Molly, but Molly doesn’t really pay much attention at this young age.  Hopefully his dancing skills will be better appreciated in a few weeks.  Regardless we have a lot of fun.

Similarly to two weeks ago, the highlight of our day was our walk to the lake.  After lunch I put Molly into the Moby, saddled Daisy up, and headed out the door for a walk.  We started with our normal walk around the block, but we ended by Lake Merritt.  Today is a beautiful day, and we sat there for over an hour.  Molly slept, Daisy sniffed, and I just sat there.

I’ve been so busy the last few weeks that I haven’t really had much time to think.  I feel like I’m always rushing around — from home to campus to the lake for a quick run etc etc.  Having Molly on my chest relaxes me tremendously.  Add to that the beautiful weather and nice lake scenery, and I got some really good thinking in.  I didn’t figure out the cure for cancer or anything… maybe next Tuesday.

Another quick note:  A lot of people have been asking about more recent pictures of my little girl.  I just posted a couple dozen pictures of recent adventures.  They are in different sets now, so the best way to view them all would be to just look at the photostream directly from my main Flickr site (here’s the link).

We have know for a while that Krista would soon start going to a meeting every Tuesday.  Our plan has always been for me to take care of Molly while she is gone.  Today was her first meeting, and honestly I was a little nervous about taking care of Molly all by myself.  Before today, I haven’t been alone with her for more than a few minutes.  The longest that I had been the sole care giver is the time it takes to walk around the block.

My nervousness focused on feeding.  Obviously, Krista does most of the feeding because the only thing that my boobs do is grow hair.  We never give Molly a bottle because Krista’s boobs (and the rest of her) are always there.  I think we have only bottle fed her a couple of times, and that was to administer liquid vitamins.  Now, anyone that has seen it done before knows that bottle feeding isn’t rocket science (or controls engineering).  So, I wasn’t concerned about making the bottle or the process of eating.  I was concerned about the Poppa/Molly communications that needed to take place — knowing when to feed her and when she was done eating.

Our alone time started out a little awkwardly.  Just about as soon as Krista left, Molly stated crying.  I thought that she might be hungry, but we hadn’t taken the dog for a walk yet, and I wanted to get that done first.  So I put the Moby on, and off we went.  Molly quickly settled down once we were moving and was asleep before we were around the block. Maybe she didn’t need to eat?

Seeing how happy my baby was, I decided to walk down to the lake for a bit.  The three of us sat on a bench under a beautiful blue sky and watch the runners and walker pass.  We relaxed there for about 30 minutes or so before Molly began to stir.  From my last post you probably gathered that I’ve been pretty stressed recently, and this was the most relaxing time I’ve had in a couple of weeks.

Once she was awake, I thought that she might be hungry soon.  So we headed for home, and by the time we made it home, sure enough, she was ready to eat.  I quickly changed her diaper, and fixed the bottle.  She ate like a champ.

The end of the feeding was somewhat awkward.  She had eaten the entire quantity that Krista had pumped before leaving, and that forced me to have to warm up another bottle.  She pretty much refused this milk, which made me think she was done.  About 20 minutes later, she was hungry again.  No problem… I just fed her what she had previously refused, and she sucked it down in no time.  I thought she might still be hungry, but since Krista was going to be home in just a few minutes I held off on warming another bottle. Sure enough, Krista was home shortly and everything was fine.

All in all, my time as Mr. Mom went better than expected.  In fact, both Molly and Poppa had a great time!  I can’t wait till next Tuesday, and I hope Molly feels the same way.

I started back to work a few weeks ago.  Well… work is a bad term for it because it’s not work in the traditional sense.  I do research, and get paid for it.  This isn’t mercenary style research, that is I’m not just doing it for money, but the most of the research will goes into my PhD dissertation.  Therefore, I have a rather large, non-monetary, incentive to work hard.

Three weeks ago, I started back at 10 hours a week.  I can work from home most of the time, so this was really not problem.  Truth is, I really enjoyed this schedule.

Last week was a very trying though.  I moved back to my regular research load (20 hours is all the university will pay graduate students for… something to do with classes taking the other 20 hours… BS, I still need to work about 40 hours to graduate in a reasonable time frame.), and frankly, being a working father is more difficult than I anticipated.  I can do most of it, no problem.  It’s ALL of it that I can’t seem to get done.  This past week, it was exercise that got pushed out, but I really need to exercise.  Running is my therapy, and without it, I’m koo koo.

I’ll get a schedule figured out some how.  This isn’t a novel problem.  Billions of prople around the world figure it out.  I’d love to hear any work/family/self balance tips other parents would like to share.

So my honey has moved off to greener internets pastures. I’ve enjoyed sharing my internets real estate with her. I’ll miss her blogging here. That’s for sure! I hope she blogs again here soon.

As you’ve probably already noticed, I’ve restarted my geek life and will continue to post the random thoughts that I’ve always focused on (can you focus on the random), but just to keep you guessing, I’ll still be posting fatherhood related articles too. You can take the geek out of the father, but you can’t… uh, whatever.

Krista is a Mom is where my honey will be blogging. In case you ever loose her address and remember mine, I’ve added it to the blogrole on the sidebar.

I would miss you honey, but I see you in the other room.

We have been doing our new eating routine for about five days now. It seems to be making a difference! Molly Z is not having nearly the difficulty pooping now like she was. She also has much fewer poopy diapers now, which may indicate that she is getting more of the nutrients she needs from the hindmilk (which, according to Le Leche League is also easier to digest), and she doesn’t need to get rid of extra waste, or it just could be that she is maturing. The nurses at the NICU told us that we should expect fewer poopy diapers in a few weeks. Do any of you know about the age that should be expected?

In addition, instead of spitting up for hours (it seemed like that anyway, but was probably more like 30-60 minutes) every time she eats, she seems to only do that for the feeding between 5 and 6AM. That is probably because I am really sleepy and am not pacing her as well. I have been pulling her off the breast every few minutes to burp her and let her spit up if she needs to, instead of waiting until the very end. So, I guess maybe it is a combination of things that have added to the less frequent and explosive spit ups. But I think the pooping is definitely because she is getting more of the hindmilk that is easier to digest.

On another note, this article was in the NY Times a couple of days ago. It talks about how so many people are having trouble with insurance and are taking extreme steps to get coverage. It brings to mind the problems and extreme measures we had to take with Molly’s insurance. We discussed doing some pretty extreme things, too. It has all worked out, though.

thanks so much for all the comments! I really love reading them, and it makes me feel connected to lots of people, especially my family and friends in Kentucky. I wish I could get more advice from the older generation in my family and those of you in my generation who have gone through the infant stage already. Love, Krista

Bill got an e-mail earlier this week that a friend of ours from college was coming to San Francisco with his wife for a vacation, and they asked us if we could meet up with them. Bill and I figured a lunch outing would be a bit more feasible than dinner, so we met them this afternoon for lunch at the Ferry Building in San Francisco. We were a little nervous about how Molly would do, and we took a while to decide the best mode of transportation. Taking our car would mean that we could leave quickly if we needed to, but we would have to park, not to mention pay the bridge toll and the $5/gallon for gas. Taking the BART would be okay, but we would have to drive to the BART, fight for a parking spot there, and have Molly’s ears pop when we went under the Bay. We ultimately decided the bus would be best because it would be quickest and cheapest, although not as convenient if we needed to leave quickly because we would be farthest from our car. At least with the other modes we would be close to the car, a refuge. We packed her against my chest in the Moby, and off we went! She did so well! She really loves being held and cuddled, and that carrier is perfect for her! We just walked around for a little while, had some lunch, and caught up with some old friends (which is always wonderful, being so far from home). When we finished lunch, Molly started fussing because she was hungry so we went outside to find a bench so I could feed her, and then Bill changed her diaper on the bench (we had the portable changing pad with us, which is very handy). All in all, it was a very successful and fun outing. We will probably be less hesitant to take her out in the future because she really did well today. Bill posted some pictures of her on her first bus ride, including some of being in the nasty SF bus terminal. She was fortunately held far away from the urine and trash.

Aunt Kelly just left yesterday after being here for the weekend. It was a wonderful visit! Molly loves her Aunt Kelly, who held her for most of the weekend, except when I was feeding her. We went to the farmers market on Saturday, which Bill and I have been looking forward to doing with Molly Z since I got pregnant. We also played a lot of Blokus. It was just such a great weekend, hanging out around the apartment, resting, catching up, and eating the great meals Kelly cooked for us. Bill and I also gave Molly a bath, and Kelly took some pictures, which are posted on flickr.

Molly had her first major blowout this morning. I picked her up to change her diaper before breakfast, and I noticed some wetness. “She must have leaked through” I said to my wife. I had no idea the scope of disaster that lay beneath her layers. After getting her on the changing pad, I quickly realized that this was no leak through. This was complete diaper failure traceable to human error, i.e. it wasn’t on tight enough. She had wiggled out of the diaper and managed to make a mess in her once cute sleep sack. The mess had leaked all of the way through the swaddle onto the sheets beneath her. When I got everything opened up, I found her diaper completely off her body at the foot of her sleep sack, and there was poo everywhere — butt, legs, feet.

The only way to get her clean was a bath. Bath time is fun, so at this point the story takes a nicer turn. It’s all cleaned up now, and there’s no use pointing fingers (*cough* Momma… *cough*). We just have to remember to tighten her diaper better.

That’s a picture of our exit from the NICU. Phil is holding Molly up to the sign. He walked us to the car.

We haven’t been apart from Molly for four days straight now, and it’s been the best four days of my life. She doesn’t really do much yet besides poo and fuss, but just having her near makes me terribly happy. I still have a little work to do before I can completely focus on the family, and today I put her on my chest in her Moby carrier while I started some simulations. She just laid there in very content sleep filling her poppa with endorphins while he worked.

It hasn’t been all fun and games though. It’s been a little stressful too. She feels infinitely more robust than she did 5 weeks ago, but I’m still worried something bad might happen. I just need to remember: she’s a Burke therefore she’s robust, and every day she gets stronger.

I just posted a bunch of pictures on the previous flickr set, Introducing Molly Zelda, and I created a new set to chronicle our near-term post NICU time — Molly’s Home At Last. Check them out.